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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Blue's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 1st, 2010
10:45 am

I miss you, I want to try this again.
There is an important conversation that needs to happen before I even consider it, and I need you to listen to it all before making your decision.
...
I am incredibly attracted to you. A strength of feeling that I have only found twice before. If we get together, I will fall for you. It will happen hard and fast. I will share all of me and make myself vulnerable to you. I will trust that you will not take advantage of that. I will not share you. There will be no kissing other girls or anything further than that. I will not be intimate with other boys. This isn't something I will compromise on. I know you've been hurt before by girls that cheat, I won't be treated like just another girl. That comparison is insulting to me. It basically says that you refuse to make yourself vulnerable to me and in order for this to work we have to be vulnerable to each other. I'm not wanting a commitment forever, I want to ride this wave as long as it goes but I no longer think forever is something one can promise but rather something that just happens. But I do expect you to committ to me, to only me, for as long as this goes.

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Monday, November 16th, 2009
10:05 pm

Dear J,

I cut open your scar. Because you cut it open first. Damn you and your fucking text messages. Damn you for not wanting me. And fuck me for wanting you so badly that I can't stand it, so badly that I'm crying. You've never earned this level of emotion and yet you have it. You set me on fire. You make something inside me burn. I wish I could hold your attention long enough for you to realize that not only am I worth the effort, but that I can make you happy.

Sincerely, me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Friday, August 14th, 2009
11:33 am

Dear j,

I'm doing it again, projecting my feelings onto another person, wanting you to feel the same so badly that I imagine that you do. I misinterpret things and lend you excuses:

You're busy
You have a life, I can't expect you to stop everything for me
You're forgetful
You get absorbed in your work

But the truth is that if you were as sprung for mw as I am for you you'de make time for me. You'd make time to txt or message or call or email me. But you haven't. So I really need to start putting up my wall between me and you. One brick at a time I will protect myself. I'll start backing away. This is going to be so hard since I'll be seeing you, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try not to be slutty. I don't want sex with you unless there's going to be more.

You never as me questions. You don't call just to say hi. You don't txt that you're thinking about me. Something changed and I don't know what it is. I wish I knew. I wonder if it's another girl. I often wonder that.

Please just be real with me. Please hurt my feelings up front instead of waiting and deceiving me.

Love,
me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Monday, July 27th, 2009
11:36 pm

Dear j,

I'm fucked up, you just don't know it yet. I just got done cutting, not because of anything anyone said or did, more because I'm so afraid you'll find out how fucked up I am and not understand or not want to deal with it. I'm so afraid you're going to find out I'm not worth your time. I feel ugly, I feel fat. I'm trying not to show you these things because you've told me you think i'm beautiful... Well, don't know that you've used that exact word. You've called me hot and sexy. Maybe because you think that's what I want to hear. I don't want to hear anything. I want to be held. I want to be kissed and loved and included. I want to be the only one who gets how fucked up you are. Are you fucked up? I have a feeling that you are almost if not more fucked up than I am. I want to believe and I hope that you see this as more of my beauty. Another layer. You like complex things, well here I am in all my complex fucked up glory. Take me. Hold me. Love me. Don't give up on me.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Friday, July 17th, 2009
10:13 pm

Dear j,

You play with me. You talk to me everyday for three weeks then drop off the face of the earth. You said amazingly romantic things. You made me swoon and squee and let you in. I've let you in. Every time I talk to you I let you in. I've told you that I have no expectations of you. I tell myself that because I don't want you to be able to hurt me, but you can hurt me. You do hurt me as I sit here pining as I wait for you to respond to me, to tell me that you want to spoon me and want to kiss the inside of my thighs. But that has dried up. And I sit at your feet begging for more. I want you. I want YOU. And I am yours if you say the word.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Monday, June 1st, 2009
7:16 pm

Forget all previous j's. This one is smart and funny. He compliments me and likes me for my mind. Despite having never met or seen him I've got a little crush going.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
7:46 pm

I love you. I want to tell you that. I know I've burned my bridges and you don't love me anymore, but one day when I'm ready to come back I hope you can find that love again.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Sunday, May 10th, 2009
1:15 am

Dear j,

What is up with you? Are you just not interested anymore or were you just never that interested? Not too long ago you were flirtng and we were kissing and going out and now you don't say two words to me. I'm very dissapointed bc I really like you. Maybe you just got to know me enough that you no longer want me. Unfortunately I got to know you just enough that I really really want you. I want to be part of your life. I don't know where to go from here. I kindof want to tell this to you and at the same time I'm so afraid that you'll confirm my suspisions. I am sad.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
9:12 pm

Dear j,
I wish I knew whatnwas going on in your head. I can guess a few things that are logical but I don't know if any of them are true. I can guess that you aren't the one who initiated your divorce. I can guess that you are worried about introducing new people into your daughter's life just like I am about my kids. They're at that age to ask questions. I can guess that younare worried about jumping into a serious relationship just for the comfort of it, especially before the old one is completely dissolved. I can guess these things because I feel the same things. What I can't guess is if there is really serious interest there or not. I could completely be misinterpretting your coolness and hesitance.
***
You shot me down. You say you didn't but really to did. "that's sweet" to a declaration of affection is about as clear a rejection as they come. I guess it's easier since I was really drunk at the time and I don't have to see you everyday anymore.
***
Dear t,
What hurts the most is that you dont want to try. All those times you said you'd do anything were a lie.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
11:51 pm

Dear j,

Are you doing the same thing I am? Are you thinking you are being obvious when you aren't? I want to follow you around. I want you to ask if I'm coming so that I can say I'll be wherever you are. I want a clear invitation. An absolute, "I want you to be there." am I going to get that?
***
Wanna roll? Wanna do some hands-on "team building"?
***
Now that I think about it, why is she still living with you if she's not contributing? Are you still sleeping in the same bed? Are you still sleeping in the same bed naked? Is there a chance that you're going to decide to take another shot at it? Are you going to hurt me? You are nothing but questions to me ... Questions and good kisses and tall smell good boy and teasing and playing and and questions.

I have this fantasy about us. I have the house to myself, or you do, doesn't matter which, and we watch a movie but were not really watching it, we're kissing and playing and one thing leads to another and we're having sex.

I know it's a highschool fantasy and I'm way past that but I can't help it. I have another fantasy of rolling with you. Must be nice to start the roll knowing that you're doing this together with someone you want to be with.
***
To all my j's do any of you really want me? I'm here. First one here gets the prize.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Monday, April 27th, 2009
6:18 pm

Dear j,

Guess I wasn't imagining the kiss because you did it again. And while I'm over the moon that we're making progress there are a couple of things that bother me. I don't want us to always be secret and I don't know where I stand so I don't know if it's presumptuous to start discussing things. I really really want you. I want to hold hands and cuddle and argue and discuss things. I want our daughters to meet and be friends. In short I want to be your girlfriend.
***
The evil one is gone and it makes you much more tempting. I don't necessarily want to be your girlfriend. I dont want to be treated the same way you treated her. I at least know I deserve that (though I guess from the state of my current relationships). You are so pretty though and you'll roll with me and I swear all I want is for you to pet me.
***
Would it be stalking if I showed up at your set at a nightclub in the middle of the week?

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Saturday, April 25th, 2009
5:29 pm

Dear j,

I hope you come tonight. I hope you come tonight. I don't expect you to, but I have hope. I'm pretty sure you have no great desire to see me because if you did wouldn't you make plans of some sort? Anything. Movies. Dinner. Hanging out watching tv. Fuck, just being in the same room together would be an improvement. This intermittent IM thing is pretty frustrating. Never know when you'll be on or if you'll want to chat and when you are it's always going to lead to me desperate for your attention talking about sex and how much I want you even though I want you in other ways as well. I want to have smart conversations and hug and cuddle and just be near someone that really cares. Then again don't know if you could give me that anyway since I would always come 2nd to your daughter (which is how things should be).

I hope you come tonight so I can make these obsessive thoughts stop.

I hope you come tonight.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

12:36 pm

Dear j,

Possible rumor that u have a girl. Never seen you act like you have a girl. But I guess that I don't see you outside work enough to know.
***
I know it's dumb to be so bold with you but I can't help it, I want you badly.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
9:08 pm

Dear j, both of you

First for the one who teases me and knows it. You make me horny and giddy and I love how when we're in the breakroom at work we pretend like we don't have a flirtation going. Though that can get a little confusing. When exactly are you going to follow through? Are you going to follow through? I hold back from you because I'm afraid that you aren't going to follow through at all. Like tonight; this is the second time I've tried to make plans and nothing comes of it. Did you not kiss me? Did I imagine that? I think I might have.

And now for the j who teases and flirts but carefully keeps things on the line of not crossing into your personal life. I think this flirtation has gone on so long that it's never going any farther even though I desperately want it to.

Love,
Me

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

1:52 pm
Sigh. So close but so far.
Friday, April 17th, 2009
12:53 pm
Dear J,

I can feel myself falling into a pattern.  Flirt...fuck...be forgotten, abandoned.  We're still at flirting so I fear moving to the next step because the step after that is what's so hard.  Why did you have to kiss me?  It's been a week and you haven't tried anything more.  Does that mean you don't want me anymore?  Does it mean we just haven't had opportunity?  Are you thinking about me as much as I think about you?

Love,
Me
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
11:07 am
Dear J,

Told you I like you anonymously but I think you know who it is.

You haven't responded yet.  Don't know what I was expecting anyway.

Love,
Me
Sunday, April 5th, 2009
6:13 pm
Dear J,

I'm pining.  and I go back and for the between being completely sure that you have to like me and completely sure that you have no interest in me whatsoever.  My self esteem tells me that I should just back down.  I should just give up.  I should back down and out and forget that you even exist.  My hope tells me to just tell you.  Just tell you.  Just get it out already and deal with the rejection.  Just tell you just tell you just tell you just tell you just tell you.  Just tell you so that I can stop these completely obsessive thoughts.

Love,
Me
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
3:10 pm
Dear J,


You are less than five feet away from me.  Earlier we were right next to each other.  You asked me about the show.  I was a dumb girl instead of being assertive and saying how excited I am to go, how excited I will be to see you there even if you are going to be working (do you really consider that working), how much I will want to spend time with you, how I would give up the drugs to hang out with you sober but would also love to be rolling with you.  I should have said something like, "Only if you'll be there."  I should have been more chatty.  I should have...I don't know.  Whatever would make you like me back.

Sigh.

Love,
Me
Monday, March 30th, 2009
8:52 pm

Dear J,

My caliente, creative, funny, confusing J.  You frustrate me because I like you so much and you're hot and cold and you have so many opportunities to make me part of your world and you don't.  I want to be part of your world.  I want to dance and mingle and fall for you while you spin the records or whatever it is you do up there.  I know that the next time I'm at a social event with you I'll be high again.  I don't know how you feel about that.  All I know is that it's my only option.  The people I'm going with are going to be high.  But I'd rather be hanging out with you.  I'd rather you come visit me with my friends and drag me off by the hand and hang out with me and kiss me on the patio.  I'd rather you not leave early.  I'd like to be staring up at you, into your eyes while you tease me because I'm still naked.  I want to turn up the bass in your car so much that my clothes fall off.  I want this one to stick, at least for a little while.  I want to be with you and not tell anyone at work.  Not because I don't want them to know, just because I want to be part of your world and your world isn't at work.  Right now, that's where my world is.  I want out of my world.  Come take me away to somewhere where there is only the two of  us.

Love,
Me



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